Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Don't Settle For Me

If you're gonna come back this time, come back whole.

I don't want you to choose me half-assedly (is that even a word?) just because you're comfortable with me. Don't settle for me. If you do, you're settling for the both of us. You, because you can find someone better for you and I, because I deserve someone better.

If you're gonna come back just because you failed in doing the things you want, you're just wasting your time. You left me once/twice/thrice (heck, I already lost count), why wouldn't I think you're not gonna do it again? I'm not enough for you.

And to be honest, if you think that way, obviously you're not good enough for me too.

Don't make me your home when we both know you're just gonna go away every chance you can get. Maybe it's my fault, because I always forgive you even when you're wrong. I always take you back. Maybe I instilled it in you that I will always be here for you, no matter how many times you stray from me. Maybe you've grown accustomed to my ways; I'm here. I'll always be here. I'll always take you back.

Maybe it's my fault for loving you too much, even beyond reason.

Except I'm awake now, at least, I think I am. And I won't settle anymore even when I know in my heart I want to. I'd like to think I've had enough of your bs. I don't want you to settle for me and I'm not saying this because I don't want you. I'm saying this because I want you so bad.

But I want all of you.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY 02



R E A D I N G

Still not done with the Game of Thrones. :(

W R I T I N G 
New ideas on a new blog post I'm gonna post next week. Comment if you have any suggestions! Haha!  

L I S T E N I N G   T O 
Krissy Villongco's Slow Dancing in a Burning Room cover. It's been on repeat now since last Monday. I just... I don't know. I can feel this song so much, haha! In line with what happened to me this week, this song is the best way to describe it. These lines hit my heart, so damn hard: 
Nobody's gonna come and save you, we pulled too many false alarms | I'll make the most of all the sadness, you'll be a bitch because you can | How dare you say it's nothing to me, baby, you're the only light I ever saw | Don't you think we oughta know by now, don't you think we shoulda learned somehow.

T H I N K I N G
About the past. I don't usually do this since I don't really like thinking about things I can't control but with all that has happened this week (particular last July 6), the past just kept bugging me. I already wrote about it to ease the stress I'm feeling but man, it's not that easy. 

S M E L L I N G 

Champorado. Yummmmmmmers.  

W I S H I N G  

That this week is gonna be eventful. Haha, babaw but lately my life has been B O R I N G. It's my fault though. I don't like having a lot friends hence, my social calendar is based solely on the availability of my best friends. So if Ara/Nikka/Terlex/Mignon you guys are reading this, CAN WE PLEASE GO OUT NEXT WEEKEND. Hahahaha! 

H O P I N G 
That when payday comes, I'll be able to budget it the way I've been planning to for weeks now. Hahahaha.

W E A R I N G 
My pantulog clothes. Woke up around 1pm BECAUSE SUNDAYS ARE FOR OVERSLEEPING Y'ALL!

L O V I N G
The fact that I'm beginning to think of myself and my wants and needs before anyone else. They say 20s are your selfish years and for the selfless human that I am, for once in my life, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna be as selfish as I could possibly be with my time and myself.  

W A N T I N G 
That brown doctor's bag Ara and I saw at Payless last Thursday! I swear to get my hands on it plus the black and brown ballet flats I need regularly. 

N E E D I N G   T O  

Poop. Brb.  

F E E L I N G
Confuckingfused. Don't ask, you're not ready.

C L I C K I N G
On a bunch of DIY Cash Budgeting methods. Hahaha! Thank you so much, Pinterest for supplying cool, doable and REALISTIC stuff! Hahaha! 

Aaaaand that concludes my second set of The Sunday Currently! Have a blessed Sunday, y'all! :)

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

070615

"Can I be honest with you?" you asked as you lit another cigarette. 
"Go ahead." I said, not really sure if I liked what this conversation had morphed into. 
You then proceeded to tell me about what happened to the recent girl you pursued but didn't work out. I laid there, trying to focus on the broken headboard, intensely picking at the wooden scabs so as not to cry. It hurt to hear your frustration over some girl you just met when you were never like that with me. I let you, because this is one of the rarest times you open up to me. And it's your birthday. And maybe in some weird, masochistic way, I wanna know, no matter how much it sucks for me.
"I don't know if it's because my ego got hurt or if I really love her." you said, when I asked why you're acting the way you are. You then asked me what love is; how it feels to be in love.
"We were together for a really long time, babe. In that span of time, you didn't love me? You didn't know what love is?" I asked in confusion. Because it really doesn't make any sense.
"I guess I loved you because you love me. I really don't know how to love. Or what love is." 
I wasn't shocked with your answer. At least you were honest about that part. All along, I knew that you loved me because I loved you. But a part of me wished your answer would be different. I took a sharp breath before answering. What is love? I wondered. I tried to think of all the times I knew what I felt for you was real.
"You know you love someone when you see your future with them in it. Whenever you get a good news, they're the first person you wanna tell. Even the bad news. You just wanna be with that person all the time." I said, trying so hard not to choke on my words. I just described how I felt about you. Once again, the queen of nonchalance wore her heart on her sleeve.

And then you said, "So it's love? I think that's how I feel about her."

All the tears I tried so hard to hold back for 15 minutes, slowly rolled. I buried my face in my pillow, I don't like it when you see me cry. That's my thing. In all the years that we've been together, it's you who always cried freely. If we had this conversation years ago, I probably would have gone ballistic. Either that, or I'd shut myself down and stop talking to you completely just so I won't say mean, hurtful things.

Instead I kept my cool, shrugged it off like it was no big deal even though it actually is and said, 
"Then maybe it is love."

You continue to tell me all about your frustrations. Apparently, she's the one who called the shots. It was never that way. You're the one who dumps people. I experienced that firsthand. But she changed your game. And that's what you can't believe: that someone rejected you. I suggested a lot of possibilities and we talked like we're friends, not exes. 
I tried to comfort you, the way a good friend would. I told you things about love that I learned when we broke up: that there's always gonna be someone for all of us; that we're still young; and that scientifically speaking, we meet "the one" when we reach the age of 25-35. There's no rush.

I spoke of hope and love and faith the way I always imagine my future. Honestly speaking, it's what helped me ease the pain I felt from you when we broke up 4 months ago; the future possibility of finally getting the love that I deserve.

"You've changed, babe." you said. I smiled, because I know I did. Even I was surprised when I told you all those things. We continued to talk about life and love. 
Until finally, we talked about us. 
All the bullshit we hid from each other, all the lies and all the deceptions we made when we were together. We had our fair share of it, I must say. You said maybe she's your karma for all the pain you caused me and all the other girls before me. I laughed a little, cause I think so too. And I think maybe it's my karma too, for all the pain I caused you. We talked about our strengths, our weaknesses. We talked about how perfect everything will be for us if we could just find our perfect timing. I think we got together too young. But the chemistry is still there even after five years. And if there's anything I learned from watching a bunch of rom-coms, it's this: if you have chemistry, as strong and as compatible as what we have, all you need is one thing: timing. But timing is such a bitch sometimes. 
We laid there, tangled underneath the sheets. Trying so damn hard to save what we can. Saving one another with each kiss, each touch. We're trying to save the only good thing left for us, making love without the love. We promise to take our time and that the next time we'll get back together, it will be for all the right reasons. 
I have no idea what the future holds for us. If in the end, it's still us together. You showed me exactly who you are and instead of running away, my feelings never wavered. Not even for a bit. Call me crazy, call me a masochist, call me a fool.. But for me, your wrongdoings and faults are just that. It wasn't intentional, it's just the way you are. To me, you're a lost boy, trying so hard to figure out what love is.
And I want to help you get there. Even without absolute certainty, even without complete conviction that it's you and me in the end, I'm all in. It's the only way I know. I think one of the reasons why I keep coming back to you is that I feel like our relationship never lived its full potential. There are so many things we haven't had the pleasure of doing. So many things hindered us. So many fallbacks. And every time we try again, I wish we'd do it all. 
But we never did. 
Maybe that's why I'm stuck with all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. 
If there's something I am certain of at the moment, it's this (and let me explain it in a language that I know you will understand): Whatever it is we are doing right now, all the waiting, all the suffering, all the forgiving and the forgetting.. it's a high risk, high reward kind of thing. If we get through this, all cards dealt and all truths spoken, I can only imagine how strong we'll be.
All we can do now, is wait.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY 01



Sooooooo, I finally gave in to this trend called "The Sunday Currently" haha! It's a series of things you're doing/seeing/feeling etc. all wrapped up in one blog post. I saw it first on NISHKA (Krisha Payong's personal blog) and thought, why not? 

Oh well, here's my first ever TSC post! Enjoy reading!


R E A D I N G

The first book of George RR Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series! (aka Game of Thrones!) For those who religiously watch the series, I'm sure you're experiencing major #sepanx right now! Since I haven't read the books, I figured I'd start now before season 6 starts! Currently reading the part when Sam joined the Night's Watch. It's actually a good idea to watch the series first so as to put faces on the characters you read! 

P.S. I MISS KIT HARINGTON!!!!!!    

W R I T I N G 
Well, this post. Duh. Lol, just kidding. I'm writing on my planner/journal write now. Updates, updates, updates, ya know. 

L I S T E N I N G   T O 
Reese Lansangan's T-Shirt cover on SoundCloud! I swear this girl sounds soooo damn good!
  
T H I N K I N G
Whether or not I should blog about our recent trip to Baler! Should I???

S M E L L I N G 
Dad's Caldereta. Yummers! 

W I S H I N G  
That everything goes smoothly on my new job. I recently started working at Egypt Air and I know it's a great opportunity for my career and all, that's why I want everything to go as smoothly as possible. I'm currently working with the higher ups and I'm the only 20-something in the office, HAHA! Talk about pressureee. 

H O P I N G 
For a good weather tomorrow and for a hassle-free MRT ride to and from the office tomorrow. HAHA! Aasa pa ba ako? Lol

W E A R I N G 
My Baler shirt since yesterday because I haven't showered yet HAHAHAHA!

L O V I N G
This chill weather we have right now! I actually just woke up because it's sooo cold! Light rain on a Sunday is just the perfect way to spend your rest day. Oooh! I also love my new blazer from my aunt! And purse! And bag! (Wow, I just realized I got a lot of free stuff last night, haha!)

W A N T I N G 
That black jumpsuit I saw at MANGO last time my bestfriend and I went. Ooooh, I can already imagine the styles I can do with it! It's the perfect casual/corporate jumpsuit!! Ahhhh!! 

N E E D I N G   T O  
Save money. I have so many plans laid out in the future and I just really need to spend money wisely. I used to be reckless with my money the first time I got a job and now that I'm back on track, I have to at least save up for emergency, right? Oh, I also downloaded the Spending Tracker app on my phone and it sucks that most of my money goes to travel fare. :| :| MAKATI, WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN FARRRR! Haha! 

F E E L I N G
Happy, anxious and a bit paranoid. Don't ask, you're not ready.

C L I C K I N G
In line with what I need at the moment, I'm currently clicking on random sites to help me save up money more efficiently. I came across a bunch of helpful tips and this is what the last site is: "How To Save and Budget Wisely: Practical Money Tips for Filipinos"

Aaaaand that concludes my first set of The Sunday Currently! Have a blessed Sunday, y'all! :)