Monday, June 1, 2015

A Letter To The Girl I Used To Be

Hey. How are you holding up?

Just kidding. I know exactly what you're going through. Right now, you're staring at your ex's stupid face and his stupid messages. Stop it. No matter how sweet and twisted it all seems, don't get back together with him. He's a bad guy. I mean, sure you've had your fair share of mistakes but at least you're sorry for them. What about him, huh? You broke up for 2 months already and not once did you get an apology from him. 

Stop it. Stop being a martyr. Right now you're contemplating on going big for him again. Grand gestures and all just to win him back EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT YOU GUYS BROKE UP. Yes, it's not your fault. So stop it. Stop letting him guilt you into doing things for him. Stop torturing yourself. There's a reason why he had let you go so easily. He didn't even put up a fight when you said you wanna break up. It's not because of you, honey. Trust me on this. You don't know this yet but one day, you'll find the reason why he lost interest in you. And you'll find it in the most painful way possible. One day you'll just mindlessly stalk his Facebook account and see pictures that will break you in the most excruciating way a broken heart could ever break. You'll feel sorry for yourself again. And curse yourself for being so stubborn.

Stop it. Stop stalking him you miserable woman.

You will realize that none of it was your fault. That IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT. You're right, and this is gonna sound so contradicting, but Lui, you have to understand that some of it was your fault too. Remember when you lied about cheating with him just so you could hurt him? Just to make him jealous? Or that time you got so mean that you insulted every fiber of his being? Heck, remember when you told him he's got a small package? Guys have huge egos. And dear, you were on fire that night you told him all those things. Stop it. Stop blaming him or yourself. I know it's easy to put the blame on the man who has hurt you, but he got hurt too. He just didn't show it because.. well, he's a dude. You're the kind of girl who'd make excuses for him even when the only person you're telling is yourself. Just let it go. You're also the kind of girl who'd shut the hell up just so you can't hurt anybody because you know, when you're mad, you just won't stop talking. And that's exactly what you did. Stop it. It will only worsen what is already worst as it is. 

I know you're mad at him because he made you cut your hair, quit your lousy job, and find a new one in Makati just so you two can be together all the time, but someday, you'll thank him. You know it deep down that he always had your best interest at heart. You're mad at him because after everything you did, he still left. 

And that hurts a hell of a lot more than not having a job or your long wavy, sexyass locks. 

The pain still won't subside even after a month of late night crying, playing Taylor Swift songs on your guitar and binge watching 500 Days of Summer/HIMYM/OTH. You're still angry because everything made sense now. Upon learning the real reason why you broke up, you will be extremely desperate to take away the pain. For some people, they kill themselves literally. You, however, know exactly that that is not the solution. Thank God you're still reasonable. I love you for not literally killing yourself. You know that the only way to stop the pain is to find someone else. Rebound is always your solution. I know you. Revenge is your best friend (next to Nikka of course). I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to tell you exactly why that will and will not work. 

The pros: You'll be happy. At least for a while you'll forget what you're going through. You'll feel pretty again. Like someone could actually love you and you'll believe it for a while. You'd use that to mask away the pain you're feeling and tell yourself how awesome this new guy is. You'll tell your friends how great he is (in person and in bed... because apparently, you do shit like that now) and how he's WAAAAAY BETTER THAN YOU EX. They'll laugh and they'll see you that you're doing well again so they'll leave you alone. You'll be at ease knowing that you're not worrying your friends anymore. For a while, you know that a piece of you no matter how small it is, is hopeful. Even just for a while. 

The cons: IT'S ALL JUST FOR A WHILE. It never lasts. Especially if your rebound guy is also on the rebound. It will only divert your pain and your attention to things you know you can control. You love taking control. You'll hook up with him and for a while it will make you feel satisfied. But at the end of the day, you know you're just gonna remember your stupid ex and his new girl. 

So you're just gonna cry again. Just let it out, Lui. You need to let it all out. It's gonna be hard because he's the only guy you've ever been with. The only guy who made you believe that love is such a beautiful thing despite the ugly parts of it. I know it hurts so bad and that you're so certain that you will never be the same but believe me when I tell you, that that is a good thing. People change. First heartbreaks are a right of passage. After this, I know you'll be stronger. You have to be. In a cruel, hateful world like this, that's the only way you'll survive. You'll learn how to be alone and happy. Not completely alone because you have your family. You have your friends and you still have faith in yourself. It may be little but that little faith can cause amazing results. 

Believe that there's a reason in everything that happened, no matter how confusing that reason might be. Believe that it's a good thing that it's just a broken heart because trust me, honey, some people have it worst. Way worst than losing someone. 

The only thing that I'm gonna ask from you is that please, for the love of God, don't shut yourself down to the concept of love. Love is such a wonderful thing. I know you know what I'm talking about. No matter how much you try, deep down you know that you can't do it anymore. That relationships are now off-limits for you. I blame the movies and the books that you're watching. You're starting to be like Summer Finn. And Brooke Davis. And all those girls you read about who hate commitment. 

But in reality, you know that you are a Ted Mosby. You know that love is the best thing we, humans, do. Always have been, always will be. 

You know that deep down your hateful heart right now, is a love so strong that only the right guy can handle. Your heart holds the kind of love that no person or circumstance can come between it. Please don't let that love go away. You can hide it all you want but please, I beg of you, when the right guy comes, let him love those ugly parts of you that needs to be loved. Let him fix what needs to be fixed. Let him love you in ways you deserve to be loved.

Please don't let one stupid guy ruin the word love because I know you know that that person have no idea what love is. 

Please let yourself be open to the idea of love.

Please let love in when it comes knocking on your door one day. And when you do, please remember everything that you've been through. Carry it as a lesson when you try again.

Trust me, it will all be worth it. It will all get better. 

You are strong. You are beautiful. And you deserve the kind of love that lasts.

Love always,
Present Lui

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