Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Shortcomings

Hola! Can't believe it's been a while since I last posted here but anyhoo, I just want to share this wonderful poem I stumbled upon on Instagram. (@bludidwhat, thanks for sharing this!) Hope you enjoy this as much as I did! Happy Thursday eevryone! ;)


SHORTCOMINGS // I.C. CASAPU

They tell us all these stories 
About women who became unforgettable

Because they walked away
And their absence opened up an ocean of longing
And their fault was only that they were too beautiful to be grasped
Between two arms and kept close.

They tell us stories about the women who were unattainable
Because they vanished
Inside a plane to Paris
On a road to Mandalay
In a train to Little Britain
And who carried the hearts of the men they left behind
In their suitcases.
They tell us to leave
In other words,
Because otherwise we will be forgotten
Abandoned
Cheated
Walked over
We will be just the shadow of a dream
And irreplaceable is just a word we fantasize
Because we cannot be the exception
But the painful rule.

But I want to stay
Be the woman
Who remains
Who forgets
That Great Expectations
Was only a movie
In 1998
And Estella was just a girl
Who came back
To the man who felt
She was unforgettable to.




Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Don't Settle For Me

If you're gonna come back this time, come back whole.

I don't want you to choose me half-assedly (is that even a word?) just because you're comfortable with me. Don't settle for me. If you do, you're settling for the both of us. You, because you can find someone better for you and I, because I deserve someone better.

If you're gonna come back just because you failed in doing the things you want, you're just wasting your time. You left me once/twice/thrice (heck, I already lost count), why wouldn't I think you're not gonna do it again? I'm not enough for you.

And to be honest, if you think that way, obviously you're not good enough for me too.

Don't make me your home when we both know you're just gonna go away every chance you can get. Maybe it's my fault, because I always forgive you even when you're wrong. I always take you back. Maybe I instilled it in you that I will always be here for you, no matter how many times you stray from me. Maybe you've grown accustomed to my ways; I'm here. I'll always be here. I'll always take you back.

Maybe it's my fault for loving you too much, even beyond reason.

Except I'm awake now, at least, I think I am. And I won't settle anymore even when I know in my heart I want to. I'd like to think I've had enough of your bs. I don't want you to settle for me and I'm not saying this because I don't want you. I'm saying this because I want you so bad.

But I want all of you.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY 02



R E A D I N G

Still not done with the Game of Thrones. :(

W R I T I N G 
New ideas on a new blog post I'm gonna post next week. Comment if you have any suggestions! Haha!  

L I S T E N I N G   T O 
Krissy Villongco's Slow Dancing in a Burning Room cover. It's been on repeat now since last Monday. I just... I don't know. I can feel this song so much, haha! In line with what happened to me this week, this song is the best way to describe it. These lines hit my heart, so damn hard: 
Nobody's gonna come and save you, we pulled too many false alarms | I'll make the most of all the sadness, you'll be a bitch because you can | How dare you say it's nothing to me, baby, you're the only light I ever saw | Don't you think we oughta know by now, don't you think we shoulda learned somehow.

T H I N K I N G
About the past. I don't usually do this since I don't really like thinking about things I can't control but with all that has happened this week (particular last July 6), the past just kept bugging me. I already wrote about it to ease the stress I'm feeling but man, it's not that easy. 

S M E L L I N G 

Champorado. Yummmmmmmers.  

W I S H I N G  

That this week is gonna be eventful. Haha, babaw but lately my life has been B O R I N G. It's my fault though. I don't like having a lot friends hence, my social calendar is based solely on the availability of my best friends. So if Ara/Nikka/Terlex/Mignon you guys are reading this, CAN WE PLEASE GO OUT NEXT WEEKEND. Hahahaha! 

H O P I N G 
That when payday comes, I'll be able to budget it the way I've been planning to for weeks now. Hahahaha.

W E A R I N G 
My pantulog clothes. Woke up around 1pm BECAUSE SUNDAYS ARE FOR OVERSLEEPING Y'ALL!

L O V I N G
The fact that I'm beginning to think of myself and my wants and needs before anyone else. They say 20s are your selfish years and for the selfless human that I am, for once in my life, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna be as selfish as I could possibly be with my time and myself.  

W A N T I N G 
That brown doctor's bag Ara and I saw at Payless last Thursday! I swear to get my hands on it plus the black and brown ballet flats I need regularly. 

N E E D I N G   T O  

Poop. Brb.  

F E E L I N G
Confuckingfused. Don't ask, you're not ready.

C L I C K I N G
On a bunch of DIY Cash Budgeting methods. Hahaha! Thank you so much, Pinterest for supplying cool, doable and REALISTIC stuff! Hahaha! 

Aaaaand that concludes my second set of The Sunday Currently! Have a blessed Sunday, y'all! :)

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

070615

"Can I be honest with you?" you asked as you lit another cigarette. 
"Go ahead." I said, not really sure if I liked what this conversation had morphed into. 
You then proceeded to tell me about what happened to the recent girl you pursued but didn't work out. I laid there, trying to focus on the broken headboard, intensely picking at the wooden scabs so as not to cry. It hurt to hear your frustration over some girl you just met when you were never like that with me. I let you, because this is one of the rarest times you open up to me. And it's your birthday. And maybe in some weird, masochistic way, I wanna know, no matter how much it sucks for me.
"I don't know if it's because my ego got hurt or if I really love her." you said, when I asked why you're acting the way you are. You then asked me what love is; how it feels to be in love.
"We were together for a really long time, babe. In that span of time, you didn't love me? You didn't know what love is?" I asked in confusion. Because it really doesn't make any sense.
"I guess I loved you because you love me. I really don't know how to love. Or what love is." 
I wasn't shocked with your answer. At least you were honest about that part. All along, I knew that you loved me because I loved you. But a part of me wished your answer would be different. I took a sharp breath before answering. What is love? I wondered. I tried to think of all the times I knew what I felt for you was real.
"You know you love someone when you see your future with them in it. Whenever you get a good news, they're the first person you wanna tell. Even the bad news. You just wanna be with that person all the time." I said, trying so hard not to choke on my words. I just described how I felt about you. Once again, the queen of nonchalance wore her heart on her sleeve.

And then you said, "So it's love? I think that's how I feel about her."

All the tears I tried so hard to hold back for 15 minutes, slowly rolled. I buried my face in my pillow, I don't like it when you see me cry. That's my thing. In all the years that we've been together, it's you who always cried freely. If we had this conversation years ago, I probably would have gone ballistic. Either that, or I'd shut myself down and stop talking to you completely just so I won't say mean, hurtful things.

Instead I kept my cool, shrugged it off like it was no big deal even though it actually is and said, 
"Then maybe it is love."

You continue to tell me all about your frustrations. Apparently, she's the one who called the shots. It was never that way. You're the one who dumps people. I experienced that firsthand. But she changed your game. And that's what you can't believe: that someone rejected you. I suggested a lot of possibilities and we talked like we're friends, not exes. 
I tried to comfort you, the way a good friend would. I told you things about love that I learned when we broke up: that there's always gonna be someone for all of us; that we're still young; and that scientifically speaking, we meet "the one" when we reach the age of 25-35. There's no rush.

I spoke of hope and love and faith the way I always imagine my future. Honestly speaking, it's what helped me ease the pain I felt from you when we broke up 4 months ago; the future possibility of finally getting the love that I deserve.

"You've changed, babe." you said. I smiled, because I know I did. Even I was surprised when I told you all those things. We continued to talk about life and love. 
Until finally, we talked about us. 
All the bullshit we hid from each other, all the lies and all the deceptions we made when we were together. We had our fair share of it, I must say. You said maybe she's your karma for all the pain you caused me and all the other girls before me. I laughed a little, cause I think so too. And I think maybe it's my karma too, for all the pain I caused you. We talked about our strengths, our weaknesses. We talked about how perfect everything will be for us if we could just find our perfect timing. I think we got together too young. But the chemistry is still there even after five years. And if there's anything I learned from watching a bunch of rom-coms, it's this: if you have chemistry, as strong and as compatible as what we have, all you need is one thing: timing. But timing is such a bitch sometimes. 
We laid there, tangled underneath the sheets. Trying so damn hard to save what we can. Saving one another with each kiss, each touch. We're trying to save the only good thing left for us, making love without the love. We promise to take our time and that the next time we'll get back together, it will be for all the right reasons. 
I have no idea what the future holds for us. If in the end, it's still us together. You showed me exactly who you are and instead of running away, my feelings never wavered. Not even for a bit. Call me crazy, call me a masochist, call me a fool.. But for me, your wrongdoings and faults are just that. It wasn't intentional, it's just the way you are. To me, you're a lost boy, trying so hard to figure out what love is.
And I want to help you get there. Even without absolute certainty, even without complete conviction that it's you and me in the end, I'm all in. It's the only way I know. I think one of the reasons why I keep coming back to you is that I feel like our relationship never lived its full potential. There are so many things we haven't had the pleasure of doing. So many things hindered us. So many fallbacks. And every time we try again, I wish we'd do it all. 
But we never did. 
Maybe that's why I'm stuck with all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. 
If there's something I am certain of at the moment, it's this (and let me explain it in a language that I know you will understand): Whatever it is we are doing right now, all the waiting, all the suffering, all the forgiving and the forgetting.. it's a high risk, high reward kind of thing. If we get through this, all cards dealt and all truths spoken, I can only imagine how strong we'll be.
All we can do now, is wait.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

THE SUNDAY CURRENTLY 01



Sooooooo, I finally gave in to this trend called "The Sunday Currently" haha! It's a series of things you're doing/seeing/feeling etc. all wrapped up in one blog post. I saw it first on NISHKA (Krisha Payong's personal blog) and thought, why not? 

Oh well, here's my first ever TSC post! Enjoy reading!


R E A D I N G

The first book of George RR Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series! (aka Game of Thrones!) For those who religiously watch the series, I'm sure you're experiencing major #sepanx right now! Since I haven't read the books, I figured I'd start now before season 6 starts! Currently reading the part when Sam joined the Night's Watch. It's actually a good idea to watch the series first so as to put faces on the characters you read! 

P.S. I MISS KIT HARINGTON!!!!!!    

W R I T I N G 
Well, this post. Duh. Lol, just kidding. I'm writing on my planner/journal write now. Updates, updates, updates, ya know. 

L I S T E N I N G   T O 
Reese Lansangan's T-Shirt cover on SoundCloud! I swear this girl sounds soooo damn good!
  
T H I N K I N G
Whether or not I should blog about our recent trip to Baler! Should I???

S M E L L I N G 
Dad's Caldereta. Yummers! 

W I S H I N G  
That everything goes smoothly on my new job. I recently started working at Egypt Air and I know it's a great opportunity for my career and all, that's why I want everything to go as smoothly as possible. I'm currently working with the higher ups and I'm the only 20-something in the office, HAHA! Talk about pressureee. 

H O P I N G 
For a good weather tomorrow and for a hassle-free MRT ride to and from the office tomorrow. HAHA! Aasa pa ba ako? Lol

W E A R I N G 
My Baler shirt since yesterday because I haven't showered yet HAHAHAHA!

L O V I N G
This chill weather we have right now! I actually just woke up because it's sooo cold! Light rain on a Sunday is just the perfect way to spend your rest day. Oooh! I also love my new blazer from my aunt! And purse! And bag! (Wow, I just realized I got a lot of free stuff last night, haha!)

W A N T I N G 
That black jumpsuit I saw at MANGO last time my bestfriend and I went. Ooooh, I can already imagine the styles I can do with it! It's the perfect casual/corporate jumpsuit!! Ahhhh!! 

N E E D I N G   T O  
Save money. I have so many plans laid out in the future and I just really need to spend money wisely. I used to be reckless with my money the first time I got a job and now that I'm back on track, I have to at least save up for emergency, right? Oh, I also downloaded the Spending Tracker app on my phone and it sucks that most of my money goes to travel fare. :| :| MAKATI, WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN FARRRR! Haha! 

F E E L I N G
Happy, anxious and a bit paranoid. Don't ask, you're not ready.

C L I C K I N G
In line with what I need at the moment, I'm currently clicking on random sites to help me save up money more efficiently. I came across a bunch of helpful tips and this is what the last site is: "How To Save and Budget Wisely: Practical Money Tips for Filipinos"

Aaaaand that concludes my first set of The Sunday Currently! Have a blessed Sunday, y'all! :)

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Before You Love Me


Before you love me, please take your time to get to know me.

I want you to know how stubborn I am. I don't always follow the rules because I make them. Most often than not, I will contradict you. If you tell me to do one thing in a certain way, I will find another way to do it. 

I will push all your buttons just to know for sure that you love me. I will irate you in ways you can't even imagine and how you react to it, is how I know how much you love me. I will pick a fight with you just because. I will blame my hormones because I can and there is nothing you can do about it (except maybe bring me food and cuddle me and tell me how lovely I am). 

I'm a liar. I lie to get attention (especially when I'm threatened). But please know that I will also lie to surprise you from time to time. 

I am proud. I don't always say sorry. And even when I do, it's usually followed with things that are your fault, not mine. "I'm sorry but you really are a pain in the ass" -- That's how I usually apologize. But please know that you are my pain in the ass. When I do say I'm sorry, I mean it. When I apologize, I don't just say sorry for the things that I did, I'm also saying sorry for the ~stupid~ things that I'm gonna do in the future. When I say sorry, I say it because I mean it and I plan on not repeating my actions ever again. 

I am confident. I know my value and never will I ever compromise who I am for who you want me to be. I want you to know that if I say yes to you, I'm saying no to every other guy. Every other guy who's way more handsome, way more talented, and way more skillful than you are. Consider yourself lucky. (See, I told you I'm confident.) I've had my heart broken before and if you're gonna break my heart, please know that I will survive. I've done it before, it will be easier this time.

I will not change for you. The way I dress, the way I speak, the way I think, the way I socialize... I will not change the way I am for your sake. Unless it's for the better. And unless you do it for me, too. I won't ask you to do things I wouldn't do for you in return.

Before you love me, please know that I am difficult.

My walls are high as it is thick and I've never let anyone in since my heart got shattered into pieces. That experience was so traumatic that I haven't stop picking up bricks and piling them up into my imaginary wall. It's been a while since I've let anyone in and trust me when I say, it's gonna be a hard way in. This may seem un-feminist (is there such a word? lol) but I want a guy to come through for me.

Everyone needs someone to come through for them.

Before you love me, please know for sure that you really love me.


I want you to be sure that you love me, and only me. Please be sure that what you're feeling is love, not lust or infatuation. Please don't play with my feelings. When I love, I give my all. When I love, I'm in it for the long haul. I'm tired of playing games. I'm too old to just be playing the field. I just want something real. The kind of love that lasts, the kind of love that lingers even after years of being together... the kind of love that heals. I want the kind of love that will make sense to every sappy love song and every cheesy romantic movie there is. 


I want that. I want it all.

So before you love me, take your time to get to know me. And believe me when I say, I am worth it.

Monday, June 1, 2015

A Letter To The Girl I Used To Be



Hey. How are you holding up?

Just kidding. I know exactly what you're going through. Right now, you're staring at your ex's stupid face and his stupid messages. Stop it. No matter how sweet and twisted it all seems, don't get back together with him. He's a bad guy. I mean, sure you've had your fair share of mistakes but at least you're sorry for them. What about him, huh? You broke up for 2 months already and not once did you get an apology from him. 

Stop it. Stop being a martyr. Right now you're contemplating on going big for him again. Grand gestures and all just to win him back EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT YOU GUYS BROKE UP. Yes, it's not your fault. So stop it. Stop letting him guilt you into doing things for him. Stop torturing yourself. There's a reason why he had let you go so easily. He didn't even put up a fight when you said you wanna break up. It's not because of you, honey. Trust me on this. You don't know this yet but one day, you'll find the reason why he lost interest in you. And you'll find it in the most painful way possible. One day you'll just mindlessly stalk his Facebook account and see pictures that will break you in the most excruciating way a broken heart could ever break. You'll feel sorry for yourself again. And curse yourself for being so stubborn.

Stop it. Stop stalking him you miserable woman.

You will realize that none of it was your fault. That IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT. You're right, and this is gonna sound so contradicting, but Lui, you have to understand that some of it was your fault too. Remember when you lied about cheating with him just so you could hurt him? Just to make him jealous? Or that time you got so mean that you insulted every fiber of his being? Heck, remember when you told him he's got a small package? Guys have huge egos. And dear, you were on fire that night you told him all those things. Stop it. Stop blaming him or yourself. I know it's easy to put the blame on the man who has hurt you, but he got hurt too. He just didn't show it because.. well, he's a dude. You're the kind of girl who'd make excuses for him even when the only person you're telling is yourself. Just let it go. You're also the kind of girl who'd shut the hell up just so you can't hurt anybody because you know, when you're mad, you just won't stop talking. And that's exactly what you did. Stop it. It will only worsen what is already worst as it is. 

I know you're mad at him because he made you cut your hair, quit your lousy job, and find a new one in Makati just so you two can be together all the time, but someday, you'll thank him. You know it deep down that he always had your best interest at heart. You're mad at him because after everything you did, he still left. 

And that hurts a hell of a lot more than not having a job or your long wavy, sexyass locks. 

The pain still won't subside even after a month of late night crying, playing Taylor Swift songs on your guitar and binge watching 500 Days of Summer/HIMYM/OTH. You're still angry because everything made sense now. Upon learning the real reason why you broke up, you will be extremely desperate to take away the pain. For some people, they kill themselves literally. You, however, know exactly that that is not the solution. Thank God you're still reasonable. I love you for not literally killing yourself. You know that the only way to stop the pain is to find someone else. Rebound is always your solution. I know you. Revenge is your best friend (next to Nikka of course). I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to tell you exactly why that will and will not work. 

The pros: You'll be happy. At least for a while you'll forget what you're going through. You'll feel pretty again. Like someone could actually love you and you'll believe it for a while. You'd use that to mask away the pain you're feeling and tell yourself how awesome this new guy is. You'll tell your friends how great he is (in person and in bed... because apparently, you do shit like that now) and how he's WAAAAAY BETTER THAN YOU EX. They'll laugh and they'll see you that you're doing well again so they'll leave you alone. You'll be at ease knowing that you're not worrying your friends anymore. For a while, you know that a piece of you no matter how small it is, is hopeful. Even just for a while. 

The cons: IT'S ALL JUST FOR A WHILE. It never lasts. Especially if your rebound guy is also on the rebound. It will only divert your pain and your attention to things you know you can control. You love taking control. You'll hook up with him and for a while it will make you feel satisfied. But at the end of the day, you know you're just gonna remember your stupid ex and his new girl. 

So you're just gonna cry again. Just let it out, Lui. You need to let it all out. It's gonna be hard because he's the only guy you've ever been with. The only guy who made you believe that love is such a beautiful thing despite the ugly parts of it. I know it hurts so bad and that you're so certain that you will never be the same but believe me when I tell you, that that is a good thing. People change. First heartbreaks are a right of passage. After this, I know you'll be stronger. You have to be. In a cruel, hateful world like this, that's the only way you'll survive. You'll learn how to be alone and happy. Not completely alone because you have your family. You have your friends and you still have faith in yourself. It may be little but that little faith can cause amazing results. 

Believe that there's a reason in everything that happened, no matter how confusing that reason might be. Believe that it's a good thing that it's just a broken heart because trust me, honey, some people have it worst. Way worst than losing someone. 

The only thing that I'm gonna ask from you is that please, for the love of God, don't shut yourself down to the concept of love. Love is such a wonderful thing. I know you know what I'm talking about. No matter how much you try, deep down you know that you can't do it anymore. That relationships are now off-limits for you. I blame the movies and the books that you're watching. You're starting to be like Summer Finn. And Brooke Davis. And all those girls you read about who hate commitment. 

But in reality, you know that you are a Ted Mosby. You know that love is the best thing we, humans, do. Always have been, always will be. 

You know that deep down your hateful heart right now, is a love so strong that only the right guy can handle. Your heart holds the kind of love that no person or circumstance can come between it. Please don't let that love go away. You can hide it all you want but please, I beg of you, when the right guy comes, let him love those ugly parts of you that needs to be loved. Let him fix what needs to be fixed. Let him love you in ways you deserve to be loved.

Please don't let one stupid guy ruin the word love because I know you know that that person have no idea what love is. 

Please let yourself be open to the idea of love.

Please let love in when it comes knocking on your door one day. And when you do, please remember everything that you've been through. Carry it as a lesson when you try again.

Trust me, it will all be worth it. It will all get better. 

You are strong. You are beautiful. And you deserve the kind of love that lasts.



Love always,
Present Lui