Monday, January 7, 2013

FW: Stop Think.

(01/23/2012)

Setting: Starbucks, Katipunan, around 10 in the evening.


As soon as I got out of Chelsea's car that night, someone texted me to meet up. Luke. I knew it. I was actually ignoring him the whole time we were at the party. He made a few attempts to talk to me but as usual, I dodged him. Things are just so awkward between us. I still don't know how to act around him nor talk to him after everything that had happened. I still can't. When things are awkward, I tend to be a snobby bitch and that's exactly what Luke saw in me that night. A cold, snobby, bitter bitch.


When I got to Anonas, I got a text from him. "I tried to talk to you, but you just ignored me. Maybe you've moved on. I just wish I could talk to you. I miss you." Okay, a part of me was expecting that. The thing with guys, is that, they tend to miss you in the long run, after they hurt you. Give it, like, a few weeks of snobbing them and making them feel like their not worth your time, they'll come bouncing back when they figured you've moved on. I was moving on. And he can clearly see that. Part of me wants to welcome him again, open arms, and just forget that I got hurt.


But I can't. 


With everything that has happened, I can't change the way I feel about him. Bitterness aside, I know I can't just simply forget how he broke me. Sure, I cried for 2 whole weeks but, I've been better. I figured, with every breath I take, I know I can do things without him in my life anymore. And now he's coming back. 


And all those feelings, all those emotions I've kept hidden seemed to come out in the open when we talked. Face to face, eye to eye. When we met up, everything came back to me, like I suddenly woke up from this nightmare I've been living in. I just wanna hug him and kiss him and feel his touch again. 


But I can't.


I agreed to meet up with him at Starbucks, Katipunan. The place where it all started. The place where it prolly will end. When he showed up, I tried my very best not to show any sign of emotion. In all fairness, I recall not knowing what to feel that time. I feel happy, I feel hurt. I'm on the edge.


When he talked and explained things, I know how sincere he was and I know how he got hurt too, but I don't know how to feel. He cried, and I just sat there, staring at him. Wondering if all this is all true. I pinched myself. It is. And it's really happening, right before my very eyes. I don't know how to feel. I loved him. Erase that, I love him. I still do. He wants everything back again, the way we were before. The Sam he loved. The girl who'd do everything just to keep him. The girl who'd take him back after all the love and in-between bullshits he had put me through. The girl who's so in love that couldn't look pass the faults and flaws of the relationship. He wants me back. The old me.

But I can't be that girl. I could be, but not right now. 


I'm guarded now. I know better not to trust anyone, not even myself to fall in love. I know, that, if I fall for him again, for the nth time, I know I'll give it all again. No holds barred. And the moment I let my guard down, I'm giving him the chance to hurt me all over again. He wants to take a major risk on getting us to the way we were before and I know I do too. 


I just can't do it after all the pain I've been through. 


I want to take a risk too but I don't know if I'll survive the next time he hurts me.  Man, I just wish he never came back. Either that, or that he never should have broke my heart. They say pain makes people change. True that. But I think love can make people come back and be who they were before. For love is the only thing constant when everything else changes.

We still need time. I, still need time. Time to heal. To forget the hurt I feel. 


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(Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.)

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